Teddy bears, and similar security objects, are clearly marvellous things. Yet dragging them around galleries, taking them shopping and even sitting them on top of your computer whilst in the office all take their toll and grime can accumulate. Even if one is a brave child and can manage to leave one's security object in bed all day, they are still likely to encounter sweat, snot and drool.

Sadly, cleaning such important things can be a difficult process. Ignoring the cruelty of throwing one's teddy bear in a washing machine, such an act can often lead to disaster. Several years ago I finally washed the teddy bear I had dragged around pretty much everywhere with me for about five years. He came out quite clean, but as he had an obvious degree of three-dimensionality drying him out was a problem and he ended up going mouldy. I was most unhappy. Of course, washing machines can also cause colours to fade or run and place a lot of stress on a treasured object; this was the cause of the final disintegration of my very first security object.

Teddy was replaced with Kipper, who lead a similarly busy life. His last sojourn into the wider world before Butter appeared was the 'family christmas' experience. Remarkably soon after my arrival, I was shown a recipe for cooking goose that had been snipped from a Sunday newspaper. The recipe was unremarkable and discounted for the cooking of the goose, but it was strange that the one, distinct column that had been cut out of the news paper also included a tiny tip, that was attached to the side of the column in a most must-have-been-awkward-to-cut-out way. This described how one can kill dust mites and eliminate odours in children's soft toys by placing the toy in a tightly sealed plastic bag and putting it in a freezer for several hours. I thought a message was trying to be sent about the character of Kipper, so I made sure I carried him about with me for the whole time I was at the family residence in case I found him cold and slightly stiff upon going to bed.

I am sure this is really a good idea, but there are refinements. If you fall out with your teddy bear-owning partner, you could always soak said teddy bear in water before placing in the freezer. If there really are irreconcilable differences and you have a particularly vicious streak you could substitute the water for wee, but please never tell me if you sink to such a vile act.