I really like the music of Neil Hannon, aka The Divine Comedy. He has just released another album, called The Duckworth Lewis Method, which is themed on cricket, which is timely as the England - Australia series, known as The Ashes, is currently underway. There are some good poppy songs, and a few which are quite funny. Well worth getting. Get mp3s here or buy the cd here.

For those who don’t know what the title, The Duckworth Lewis Method, means then allow me to enlighten you. Duckworth and Lewis were two statisticians who worked out a method of determining who wins a limited-overs cricket match when it is cut short (normally by rain).

Further to yesterday’s post about going to the cricket I am pleased to report that we whipped the West Indies. A ten wicket win in three days counts as an incredible thrashing. It was a fun day out at Lord’s, I had a rather nice sausage sandwich and some damned-good wine.

I’m off to Lords today to watch the third day of the England – West Indies test match. Much to my surprise, we have done really well on the first two days and we should wallop them today. Winning in three days (and by an innings) would be a top result.

Lords is a great place to watch cricket. It is the only cricket ground in the world exempt from International Cricket Council regulations which stop one from taking booze into other cricket grounds. OK, you can only take in a bottle of wine per person, but that is pretty good going. There is also a lot less silliness at Lords, as fancy dress and such fripperies are not allowed. This means people go there to watch cricket rather than to arse around.

The weather report suggests it might rain heavily this morning, which would delay proceedings, but the afternoon promises to have better weather. If it rains until Sunday evening the Windies will get away with a draw, and we don’t want that to happen.

Well, we might not do...

So, news of the moment is that I have scored a couple of tickets to Lords cricket ground on Friday; second day of the first test match of summer. Lords is a brilliant location for watching partly because it is the home of cricket, but mostly because they allow you to take a bottle of wine in each. Hooray!

As a good, solid, English toddler I am sure we will win the match. In-ger-land! In-ger-land!

I may have sniggered childishly at Ireland knocking Pakistan out of the cricket world cup, but it appears someone took it far too seriously. Pakistan's coach, Bob Woolmer, was found dead in his hotel room the morning after the game, and it has now been announced that he was murdered. This is a really terrible thing to have happened. His family must be devastated and it is a real slur on the good name of cricket.

Much fun was had watching the cricket world cup yesterday. Firstly, lowly Bangladesh beat the mighty India. This was a real surprise, I am sure Bangladesh were surprised too. Even more entertaining was hopeless Ireland beating really quite good Pakistan, and knocking them out of the contest in the process. Hooray! This was a real laugh to watch, and I really enjoy watching cricket.

Shame the rugby was less fun. Wales thrashed England as we (I am prepared to identify with failure) played like a bunch of old grannies. France played really well in their match; that was more fun to watch.

The cricket world cup has started. So far my favourite match has been to watch Australia whip Scotland, the masters seem to have got some form back. Tomorrow is England's first match, which will have me glued to the television all afternoon.

Encouraged by Butter's example yesterday, I've been watching it in just a nappy and t-shirt.

As you can see, much excitement is generated when a boundary gets scored.

After the hilariously unlikely result of England beating Australia two-nil in the finals of a one-day cricket series, more cheering news comes in that Australia have lost three-nil in a series to New Zealand. In the last match Australia set a very high score for New Zealand to chase, which they managed to do. This means that Australia have been on the losing end of the four highest run chases in one-day cricket. Australian's are very pleased with themselves proud of their performance in cricket, so it must be galling to have lost the last five matches they have played. It'll be interesting if they continue this run of bad form in the cricket world cup that starts in a couple of weeks.

After a mostly dismal winter in Australia the England cricket team have won a series. Even more amazingly, it was a one day series and England are traditionally rubbish at one day cricket. Best of all, we beat the smug Australians on their home turf, their first home series defeat in fourteen years. Hooray! At the start of the series the Australian coach was complaining that the quality of opposition they were facing (England and New Zealand) was so poor it was messing up their training for the cricket world cup (which starts in three weeks). Quality of opposition so poor that they lost two-nil in the finals? Ho ho ho.

So England lost the Ashes five - nil, losing in the last game by ten wickets. Bugger. England's performance in the series has been deeply shameful, they have rarely played well. The one ray of hope we have, or rather four rays, is that four of Australia's best players have now retired. I am sure there are good people who will fill the gaps, but there is no way they'll be as good as Shane Warne or Glenn McGrath. We have a couple of years to build up a good team before the next Ashes series in England.

I couldn't sleep last night so I watched the second day of the last Ashes test match. As usual, just when England seemed to be batting reasonably well there was a collapse and we were all out for a disappointing score. Australia are not doing as brilliantly well as they often do, but as far as I can tell it looks like the series will be a whitewash. Poor old Piggy Flintoff will probably lose the captaincy and things are not looking too good for the coach. At least some of Australia's most talented players are retiring at the end of this series, so perhaps things will not be so bad for the 2008 series in England.

We have lost the Ashes. Bugger. England may have been plagued by injuries in the run up to this series but our performance has generally been dismal. The Australian team were referred to as 'Dad's Army' in the run up to the series, but they certainly played well. This means I probably will not stay up all night for the last two tests and instead devote the days around Christmas and new year to cooking, eating and drinking. Hooray for fun!

Today has been a particularly relaxing day. So much so that I am still wearing my pyjamas, not having changed out of them since getting out of bed this morning. I had a nice afternoon kip as well. I got up just in time to watch the cricket highlights and whilst we started off well we finished pretty badly. Looks like we have lost the Ashes.

I have been watching the cricket from Australia for the past two nights, this requires staying up all night. We started off quite well, bowling Australia out quite cheaply, but (surprise, surprise) they bowled us out for fewer runs and then started their second innings very well. It looks very much like we have now lost the Ashes and I am not sure I can be bothered to stay awake for the last two test matches over Christmas and New Year.

So I managed to stay awake all night to watch the cricket. England's performance was quite shameful with the bat. This test match looks very lost to me. The only hope I have is that in the last series Australia whipped England in the first test but England went on to win the series; I hope a repeat performance is possible.

My birthday dinner party last night was really good. The food was delicious and the wine was very good. Our guests got me some Port which we drank, and I am not sure whether it was that or the bottle of Madeira we opened after that that has given me a really stinking hangover.

I was roaringly drunk last night, so I didn't manage to stay up all night to watch the cricket. This is perhaps good as Australia did very well, some lack-lustre bowling from England. Shame, England!

It is my birthday today, I am ancient... I mean, two. I've been given a magnum of rather good Austrian wine and some new wine glasses. Not terribly childish, I admit, but good nonetheless.

I started cooking a daube for tonight's dinner guests at eight this morning. Daubes are beef and bacon cooked in white wine and beef stock with some vegetables. That last one I made was excellent so I have high hopes for this.

Tonight the Ashes start, I'll be awake all night watching the first day of the first test. Come on England!

Next Wednesday it is my birthday; two again. I'll be having the neighbours around for a baroque feast and some rather nice wine. The real entertainment starts at 11pm UK time when the Ashes begin. This is the grudge match in cricket between England and Australia that happens every eighteen months. England won when Australia came over here for the last series, older readers may remember my frenzied blogging during the matches. Sadly, the England team have lost some key players from the last series due to injury so there are a few new and unproven faces in the team. Australia have some undoubtedly great players in their side, but many people suggest they are getting a bit long in the tooth. It promises to be an interesting series of matches; I'll be sleeping during the day and watching television all night when they are being played.

There is cricket on the box at the moment, the ICC Champions Trophy. This means many hours sat in front of the television with only short breaks at the end of each over. If I were not a toddler my consumption of invigorating beverages would mean that I ran the risk of missing something important. However, as I am a toddler I can sit cuddling Butter with no need to get up to go to the toilet; nappies take care of that.

I really like wearing nappies, they make me feel happy, safe and secure. I am quite pleased that I have lost a bit of weight recently so I can fit into medium size nappies again. The large size were always just a bit too big for me (even though I am a very big toddler) and ran the risk of slipping down and possibly leaking. A snug fit with medium size nappies means I will not leak and my sofa is safe from dampness.

At the moment I am wearing an Abena Abri-Form X-Plus (which British readers can get from Beaucare Medical). These are very absorbent and don't have too much branding on them so they look more like little babies' nappies. They are great for wearing at night. I'd normally wear Tena Slip Maxis during the day, but I have run out.

I am clearly engrossed in the cricket in this picture, not just cuddling Butter.

There was quite a bit of excitement in the England - Pakistan cricket match yesterday. Pakistan were way ahead in the game, when suddenly one of the umpires called them for tampering with the ball. There was a brief discussion with the Pakistani captain, the ball was changed and five penalty runs were awarded against them. Play continued. Then after the tea interval, Pakistan refused to take the field when play was due to restart. The umpires took the bails off the stumps and declared the match had been forfeited. This means England won the series three matches to nil. Not a great way of securing a victory for us, but it strikes me that if you don't play a game by the rules then you don't win.

Pakistan are now saying they never want to play a match overseen by the umpire who called them for ball-tampering again. There is a possibility of further comeback against them when the International Cricket Council debate this.

The drugs I am taking have helped me sleep over the past couple of months; I had hoped insomnia was behind me. Much to my chagrin I didn't sleep last night and it looks like I will not tonight. All I can say is: Bums.

As I have said before, insomnia is no fun. Not only is it really boring to lie in bed for hours not sleeping, but also after a couple of nights without sleep your whole body aches and I normally get a pounding headache. Needless to say, not sleeping gets me down.

It is 2am, ten hours until the cricket starts. I will have to think of some entertainment.

I've been prescribed some antibiotic ear drops for my infected ear. I've just used them for the first time and the only effect is that I can now hear my ear throbbing. Ouch!

Apart from that it is a lovely day here in London. The temperature has dropped to a more comfortable level and there is cricket on the television. What more could an easily entertained toddler ask for?

I saw my nurse earlier and it was very successful. Not only was she quite supportive, she had also scored me some tranquilisers from my psychiatrist. These have taken all of the urgency from my need to self-harm or commit suicide so I am feeling a lot happier. Putting on a nappy has also lifted my spirits. It is just a shame the cricket is going so badly. At least I get to cuddle Butter whilst watching it.

I admit this is more 'cricket umpire' than 'toddler', but I do quite like my new hat. I must practise wearing it at a rakish angle.

The sun is shining, there is a gentle breeze and it is nice and warm. What more could a large toddler ask for? I suppose I could ask for a cricket match to watch, but the first test match of summer starts tomorrow so soon things will be just perfect.

The only problem is that I will miss the toss and the first half hour of the cricket as tomorrow I have to go for an induction session at the gym. This will be when I scare the person doing the induction as I rattle off my medical problems.

I saw my psychiatrist today and he was pleased I had joined the gym. He suggested that regular exercise might help me deal with the hallucinations. This seems to be expecting a bit much, but doing a bit more exercise cannot really hurt.

I was in hospital again for a few days at the end of this week. It is really not a very nice place. Even though I had a room to myself I was still disturbed by unhappy people screaming at night. It is very nice to be out and feeling a bit better.

The cricket seems to be going well. If I cannot sleep early in the morning at least I can now go and watch it.

The rugby was bloody awful.

How miserable. It is half past four and already effectively dark. If I was not such a chipper chap, and today's cricket helps with that, then I could be throughly depressed.

Another thing that helps my mood is the email I received from one of my favourite winemakers earlier today. I have been given a place on his private clients' list. Hooray! This means I get to buy some of my favourite Burgundy direct at knock down prices and have it delivered direct to my cellar. It may be dark, but life is good.

Well, last night the test match ended in a draw; so when it comes to the Ashes there can only be winners and losers. The Ashes were decided in a nail-biting final match that went right to the very last day. I could not have asked for a more exciting series.

At tea it looks like the final test will be a draw, thanks to Pietersen's (great English name that) heroism. Hooray! If we can get 20-odd more runs after tea, which should be easy with Pietersen still in and three wickets in hand, and bowl like demons the Ashes will be ours. Double hooray! A two one triumph over the old enemy.

Lunchtime on the last day of the last match in the Ashes, it looks perilously like we are going to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. If we do I'll pout or possibly cry uncontrollably. Those Australian kiddies do know how to chuck balls around, and we are just not whacking them well enough.

Given my toddler-esque limited attention span I am somewhat weary of the cricket; it has all been too much. The old Oxford chap Peter Medawar said that "Scientists are boring people with interesting ideas whereas artists are interesting people with boring ideas. Of course, athletes are boring people with no ideas but fantastic physical control." They may be boring, but their degree of physical control can be damned thrilling. Shame Warne's bowling has been frighteningly good, and Brett Lee and Glenn McGrath have done damned well. The Australian captain has fielded like a demon and whilst his bowling choices have often lacked inspiration he deserves credit for leaping around like a frog on a hot-plate. Obviously, I hold the battling batting of 'Piggy' Flintoff and Andrew Strauss in high regard. Well, Mr Strauss has batted with such care he is more of an assassin than a battler, but it has been most exhausting to watch his thoughtful, interesting play.

Cricket is pleasingly compelling, but I am more pleased I have a bottle of wine in the fridge to entertain mine host when he gets back from work to thank him for internet use and just to have a little chuckle with a nice chap. It is a nice bottle of Australian Shiraz: nice things are nicer than nasty things.

All I am scared of is sitting in front of the television for up to five days. It is the last match in the Ashes. We are two-one up in the series so only need a draw to win the series for the first time in eighteen years. Australia have got one of their best bowlers back whilst we have lost one of ours. At least we won the toss; surely a good omen? 

I really am oddly nervous, I may have to hide behind Butter at points and just listen. As I predicted it has been a great series so far; some of the most exciting and nerve-jangling cricket I have ever seen.

There has been a reasonable degree of intensity today. The fire alarm went tits-up and started beeping like a British comedy on US television so I managed to get an electrician around. A terribly nice South-African chap, he asked me to turn the fire alarm off at the mains whilst he ripped the front off and disconnected its internal battery. I've done this lots of times before, it takes moments, but I am not allowed to do so any more as it 'ruins the fire alarm'. Since he arrived ten overs before the end of today's cricketing excitement and looked quite interested what could I do but pour him an a drink and offer him a seat? I hope he charges the full period of time spent here to my hopeless flat-builders; ah being paid for such sweet pleasure.

Even though there has been excitement, I must admit to feeling generally spent today. It might have something to do with the temperature measurement taken on my balcony (in the shade) this afternoon:

The minimum reading was a particularly lovely night in my bedroom in March. Oh, I did love that.

The first clause of this is good and praise-worthy; the English are/were far too interested in pragmatism to go for such drivel as spirituality. The last clause is clearly a feeble attempt to pander to the constant revolutionary spirit of youth that is happy to laugh at cricket before realising how great it is. Much as Churchill said, "Any man who is under thirty, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over thirty, and is not a conservative, has no brains.", any proper chap, be they a reactionary old git or an ageing toddler, sees the greatness in cricket.

Cricket can appeal to all forms of sport-lover. Traditional cricket is the series of five-day test matches. A game lasts for five days, with breaks for lunch and tea (of course) and should it rain for too long the game will be a draw. It rains quite a lot during the summer in England. This does not matter too much as the victor is not the winner of a single match, but team that wins the most games in the series of matches. This is my favourite kind of cricket because it is possible to fall asleep for a few hours whilst watching it and not really miss that much, but also spend five days glued to the television because there is so much happening one is scared of missing important bits. Both modes of operation can be used simultaneously by random members of the audience. More importantly, during an international tour one may have as many as twenty-five days within two months that can be exclusively focused on heavy drinking and eating snacks whilst legitimately claiming to be supporting one's country in the national game. If the snacks were soup Blowers would be proud, certainly if the booze was claret.

Some people felt this demanded too much thinking and so invented one-day cricket. This only lasts but a single day and the players get to wear lurid pyjamas; possibly to get the ladies watching, I am not sure. This can often be as exciting, if not liver-knackering in a long-term sense, as test cricket.

The cutting-edge refinement has been 20Twenty cricket, which lasts but three hours at the very most. Curmudgeonly people sneer that this is dull, but it can also provide the excitement of test cricket, albeit for a much shorter period of time. This is the current over-view of cricket styles.

In recent decades the Australians have played cricket with a degree of skill and quite staggering confidence that has often been stunning to watch. England has been, like in all the sports we invented, of the attitude that, "It is not the winning that counts, but the taking part. Well, not really the taking part, more the sense of futile despair." So, it has been with a notable degree of surprise and, dare I say it pleasure, that England have beaten Australia in our last three encounters. One of each of the three styles mentioned above.

Obviously I drawing any broader conclusions about things could well be foolish, but it does provide some pleasure for a knackered old toddler. The first of those three matches was the final match in the last Ashes series, in which the chap who is now our captain was the highest run-scorer and player of the series (but, yes we did lose the series). Then we had a surprising victory in a one-day match, a form of cricket at which England has always been hopeless. It was a convincing win, I recall. Then, last Monday in the first ever England/Australian 20Twenty match, we gave Australia an incredible thrashing. Obviously, it would be churlish of me to point out that the Australian coach immediately suggested he saw no future in international 20Twenty matches, and possibly even more churlish of me to mention that in today's one-day match against a county side (a good county, but hardly an international team) they were once again whipped.

The possibility exists that the up-coming Ashes series will be slightly more of a contest than most in recent times. I am pleased I am now a toddler old-enough to manage moments of attention whilst this will be happening. Clearly people who say that Australians have a tendency to be smug and self-satisfied are probably failing to give credit to their quite-apparent charms. I am sure my Australian associates are similarly looking forward to a bit more of an interesting series and, given that none of them have balanced personalities (balanced personality - chip on both shoulders), would be happy to see top-class cricket played even if it does mean their ex-Imperial overlords scraping a win in a match or two.

I know I am not the only ageing toddler to have an appreciation for cricket; Sir James Matthew Barrie pointed out that, "It has been said of the unseen army of the dead, on their everlasting march, that when they are passing a rural cricket ground, the Englishmen fall out of the ranks for a moment to lean over a gate and smile". Even if the author of Peter Pan was not toddler-esque then most of the Englishmen I have met are in so many ways. Most of the fun Englishmen, anyway, and a lot of dead ones.