I’ve exchanged all the money in my account into Euros, I am burning across France for nearly two weeks starting on Saturday. So, the stage is set, no cash. Then: I get an email telling me one of my favourite websites www.teddybearfriends.co.uk is having a sale. Bum holes, no cash…

These are also from Linenstore.co.uk from their selection of kid's double bedding.

Even though I am not feeling much like doing toddler stuff at the moment, beyond cuddling Butter all of the time in a nervous, distracted manner, I still keep my eyes open for childish things. I particularly like these childish shoes. I ordered their last pair in my size, alas. I am a very large toddler.

One of the problems with being a larger toddler is that one requires a larger bed, and it is difficult to get good bedding for them. However, Linenstore.co.uk have a selection of kid's double bedding. This is what is on my bed:

Miffy the bunny rabbit is not only cute, but also a minimalist design classic. Some people think that Miffy has some relation to Hello Kitty stuff; the truth is Hello Kitty is a foul Japanese rip-off of a European children's icon. I've got some Miffy posters up in the flat, but this weekend's trip to Oxford has yielded something a bit more impressive. I was looking around the Inspires gallery and saw they had some limited edition Miffy prints. They are quite large and look very good in the white frames Inspires have put them in. They are a bit pricey, but for a large, high-quality, framed effort it was well-worth picking one up.

I'd much rather have Butter, Stew and Zoo than this teddy bear. I am sure he is being faithful to his beliefs, but sadly his beliefs are thoroughly evil. Religions are terrorist organisations; they use threats to coerce. They are also perfectly happy to re-write history to suit themselves. If any nutcase American theists  are reading this you might be interested in this song on YouTube which says a lot about the founding fathers of the USA. It is also quite funny.

He has arrived. Hooray!

It has been pointed out that Stew looks a bit like Butter. I suppose he does.

The new laptop is a great toy; being able to reliably connect to the internet from anywhere and use my favourite programs is an undoubted boon. However, I am a toddler and there are other kinds of toy more suited to that. My latest new toy comes from that excellent shop Teddy Bear Friends. This is him:

I shall call him Stew, which strikes me as an excellent name for a rabbit. He is not a replacement for Butter the bear. Butter will hold the rank of 'most soothing security object' until he becomes a thread-bear. That doesn't prevent me from having more toys to play with.

Note: If Stew does not have floppy ears I know who to ring.

I like them so much I couldn't wait to take a picture. Here they are:

Zazzle has thousands of pictures and you can customise them or upload your own pictures. A good shop.

I've been purchased a t-shirt that celebrates the main side effect of Clozapine. I am told that being bought such a shirt is 'supportive'. Hmmmm... Anyway, this is it:

Apart from the drooling Clozapine is marvellous stuff. I admit I don't want to go out, but I am happy enough ticking along in my own little way at home.

I've just been prescribed an anti-sompting drug to take at night that moderates the jet of drool that fires from my mount, but during the day it is a case of slurping the drool back into my mouth when the volume leaking out gets too great.

The t-shirt comes from www.zazzle.com as have a few others that I'll try and post pictures of.

I have just received a couple of onesies from Babykins. They seem excellent quality and fit a treat. The nursery-prints are quite good, as you can see in this example:

Cute and practical, no more sagging nappies.

I just popped next door to the toddlers who live in the same building as me. They have a new acquisition: a high chair. It is really high quality and I like sitting so my feet dangle in the air. Here are some pictures:

  

Nice, eh? The lovely lion-printed shirt came to me courteously of this reseller on the excellent Zazzle.com novelty-printed goods site.

I'd be a bit larger than I am now, I'd wager. Sweets Wholesale appeals to the child in us all. It appealed to the child in me enough to order 20kg of sweets.

This much will probably last quite a while.

Zoo the teddy giraffe has been delivered. He looks like this:

He is really cute, but considering he is not made for huge toddlers toddlers like me but smaller babies he is rather large, as you can see in this picture:

I'm not very good at the whole deferred pleasure-thing; when I want something I want it now. It was reasonably difficult waiting for my new phone to be released, but this was not so tough as it was at a nebulous, distant point in the future. This has been nowhere near as hard as I have found waiting for Zoo the teddy giraffe to be delivered. A new security object, especially a really cute one, is more interesting than a phone and what makes it particularly difficult is that he is only days away. He should be here tomorrow or Wednesday and the closeness of it all makes it even harder to wait. Every time the entry-phone goes over the next couple of days my pulse will race and I will hope that it is Zoo being delivered.

Baby Butter was too small, so I looked at the lovely Teddy Bear Friends website. I've chosen a lovely new transitional object which has been purchased for me by perhaps the only person who knows how important these things are. My new love object is a giraffe and he will be called Zoo. I think he is really nice and will help with the much soothing that I need at the moment.

Just in case you are wondering, he will be named Zoo after the Swedish candy giraffes I have experienced. Food provides an excellent source of names for security objects.

Finally, Baby Butter has arrived. He is very cute with a nice smile but a bit small.

I've been brought a new teddy bear, he is a Baby Hamleys Cuddly Bear, and I will name him Baby Butter. He won't be replacing Butter, as Butter is best, just assisting with additional soothing duties. Oh how I need soothing at the moment, things are bad.

Privatina are excellent; it is nice to finally see an AB clothes supplier who make professional quality clothes. OK, I admit they are a bit pricey, but what price can you put on fun.

Here are the clothes I got with in my latest order, as ever click on the pictures to get an enlargement. Firstly a little legged sleeper suitable for summer:

   

This is a footless sleeper:

These are my 'Racer' pyjamas, you can see me celebrating winning a race:

   

And finally, my giraffe sleeper. Notice the little ears on the feet.

 

 

I have posted pictures of things I have ordered from Privatina before (here, here, here and here); I think they are an extremely good supplier of clothes for superannuated toddlers. I have recommended them to many people (including the child next door) and everyone has only had positive experiences of their service. I would suggest you pay for gold membership if you are going to put in a big order as the discount is pretty good.

I have just ordered two more things: some short pyjamas for the summer and a 'giraffe' footed sleeper. The giraffe sleeper is particularly childish, it has a big giraffe embroidered on the front and ears on the feet. It has a zip on the back so I will have to be put in and taken out of it; I am all for being taken care of. I don't suppose they'll enable me to pull off 'cute', but they do help to suspend the disbelief. I like bumming about the flat in baby clothes, and going out in them on occasion, so more good things are always welcome.

I've got a bath robe from Privatina:

It is made of nursery-printed toweling, with a soft fleece lining, and the hood has ears (well, an ear in this picture anyway):

It is my birthday soon and I am being purchased what must be one of the coolest items of clothing imaginable, a red corduroy suit. I've got a chocolate brown one, which is really sexy, but a red cord suit... ah... imagine how fabulous it would be to own such a thing. It will continue to uphold my status as world's best dressed nutter. If you want to get some cord trousers you cannot go far wrong with Cording's offerings.

Here are some pictures of the two items of clothing I received today. I am very pleased with them.

 

 

Privatina can be found here.

It is a bit short for my tastes:

My fault entirely for not looking at the pictures closely enough.So I've emailed and asked if one can be made of a length I can wear outside. The ears are great for signaling:

My that was quick, they claim two-to-four weeks. Here I am in my fleece pedalling trousers and jacket with hood and ears:

 

You can click for an enlargement if you really like.

The quality seems very high for an AB clothes manufacturer, I would have no qualms about ordering again from them. Indeed, I've just placed a new order after paying for membership. There are a lot of details that are nice about the clothing, they are branded, have childish 'shop-tags' attatched to them when you unpack them and have childish size tags where appropriate. They look very much like 'real' baby clothes but in a much larger size.

Oh I got some baby booties too:

Privatina can be found here.

A friend in Canada has just received his order from Privatina, he says they are good. In view of this I have ordered some fleece pedalling trousers for mooching about inside and a nursery-printed jacket for wearing outside. They'll take 2 to 4 weeks to arrive then pictures will appear here. If they are of a high quality they sell several other things I would like.

I am off on holiday tomorrow for a week. Earlier my mother visited to collect Kisu the cat, she is looking after him whilst I am away. Thoughtfully, she brought me a replacement Kisu:

As I reported a couple of weeks ago, I ordered a couple of mod-ed dummies. They are Nuk Medic Pro nipples with shields from smaller babies dummies. Here they are:

You can get them from www.pacifiersrus.com

The results of my shortalls dyeing experiment seem a success. They are most fetching in baby blue.

      

Looks a lot more childish than dull old beige.

Is dyeing my beige shortalls light blue. They are currently swirling around in the washing machine looking a rather dirty shade of dark blue. I await the results with interest. Pictures will be posted, naturally.

A custom dummy (soother or pacifier) from these good people. They take the teats from Nuk 5 dummies (this is what I currently use) and retrofit the shields of more amusingly decorated dummies with them. The result: a dummy for large babies like me! I admit they are not amazingly cheap, but I think it'll be well-worth having one. I'll post a picture when I get it.

Here are some pictures of my new beige shortalls.

       

They are a bit... well... beige, but at least they fit well. I have to say I am tempted to dye them baby blue. That'd get me noticed about Town.

A while ago I ordered some shortalls from Pointer Brand. They arrived earlier this afternoon, hooray! I got a beige pair (which I will take some pictures of tomorrow) and these blue denim ones.

They seem great for strolling about in on the unseasonably warm days we've been having of late.

 

I've ordered myself a couple of DVDs of the animation Pocoyo; we are told they are great for toddlers. My only experience of Pocoyo is an episode on YouTube, which I include below. I was amused enough to spend a few pounds on the DVDs.

As I mentioned Abena sell onesies. I purchased a couple as they were only a tenner each. Abena describe them as 'body stockings' and this is probably a better term. They are thin and laced with Lycra and so are incredibly stretchy. If you are ordering try to make sure you are right in the middle of the size bracket or they will not fit properly. There is no way one could iron on a transfer. They'd be good under clothes, though.

 

OK, I admit they are not terribly flattering for the larger-sized toddler, but they are so clingy and stretchy one can get up to all kinds *ahem* of stuff.

 

As I surfed that crazy interweb-thing earlier today I found a few things that might be of interest.

I am aware there are companies in the US that sell nursery-printed disposables for adults (like this one), but today I found a place selling them in Europe. If you click here and scroll to the bottom of the page you'll find them. OK, so they don't look quite as good as the American ones, but I imagine they'll delight some people.

The same place sells very affordable onesies, some of which are nursery-printed. They are at the bottom of this page.

Finally, bargain onesies can be found in the UK from those makers of brilliant nappies: Abena. Download their catalogue and they are on toward the end of it. A tenner for a t-shirt onesie, excellent! I'll be ordering some soon.

I used iron-on transfer paper to add a nursery print to a onesie. I think the result was pretty good.

Onesies are such handy items of clothing, I really don't have enough of them.

I got this red flannel footed sleeper from here. Rather lurid, isn't it?

It has a drop seat back and quite tough soles to the feet. It does make me look like an escaped terrorist, though.

I don't know why I keep buying baby clothes, I've got so many I really don't need any more. I suppose it is just because I like them. As I spend most of my time mooching around the flat I cannot really be bothered to put on serious clothes; footed sleepers will do just fine. I've found another place that sells them, here is their website. With the current weakness of the dollar they are quite cheap, even if they don't come in nursery prints. I've got one in the post. Of course, a picture will appear here when it arrives.

I ordered some training pants from a UK company called Drylife. They are plastic pants with a double layer of terry towelling on the inside. This is how they look:

I imagine they will not be terribly absorbent, but I got them more for the idea than for using. When I have to wear adult clothes that are not suitable for wearing a nappy under I can wear these and still be a toddler.

I've also ordered some plastic pants from them, they carry my favourite design and are quite cheap. I like plastic pants with enclosed elastics, I find they leak less. They look like this:

My mother purchased a pair of trousers for me. The way she described them on the telephone made them sound bloody awful, but now I see them I have to admit I am rather taken with them:

Yes, they are lurid red cords with ducks embroidered on them. Ho ho ho.

I really like red cords; they are effectively wine-trade uniform here in London and I do like to associate myself with wine. They have got me into trouble in the past, though. I was once travelling on a train through a deeply horrible part of London to the airport to go and visit a friend in Paris when a group of scum took offence at my red cords and smashed me over the head with a bottle of incredibly filthy sparkling wine. Blood was everywhere and I now have a very big scar on the back of my head. At least the dry cleaners managed to get the blood out of my tweed jacket.

My stomach is still not in perfect condition. I can only eat very small meals without feeling sick. It doesn't seem that the operation to fix my hiatus hernia was terribly effective in the end. This has resulted in me continuing to lose weight. This is good because more and more of my clothes now fit, including my old onesies.

Onesies are great for general-purpose wearing. They stop nappies from hanging down and drooping. Because they also hold one's nappies tight they also reduce the potential for leaks. You can get them from Diaperstation. I think normal t-shirt designs are better than the lap-shoulder design as they are not really suitable for very large toddlers.

Whilst I was in hospital my order from diaperstation arrived. I got a couple of things, firstly a 'lap' style onesie with a rather nice teddy bear print on it:

This is the first lap-neck style onesie I have purchased, it does seem to be a rather large hole for one's head. Perhaps better for smaller toddlers rather than huge ones like me. The second thing I got was a nursery-printed t-shirt:

They may not be incredibly cheap, but the diaperstation nursery-print designs are good and the clothes are of a generally high standard.

If anyone is interested, this is the state on my chest after being operated on:

I was looking through my clothes, got to a back of a rarely-opened draw and found these:

I think teddy pyjamas are rather fetching. And that is not fetching as in 'fetching up one's dinner'.

One of the most common side-effects of taking anti-psychotics is that one gets very hungry. With the last lot I was taking I ended up weighing over 110kg, far too much. None of my spiffy suits fitted and many of my baby clothes got too tight.

Oddly, even though I am on a very high dose of the current stuff, I am hardly hungry at all. I don't have lunch, don't eat much for dinner. This has resulted in me losing enough weight to fit into my clothes again. I am very pleased that my Oshkosh shortalls are now wearable.

I'll have to try on my two Paul Smith suits and see if they fit. They are incredibly smart and well-designed; I look like a serious adult when I wear them. I know it is hard to imagine that I might occasionally be a serious adult, but sometimes one has to go to wine-tastings, you know?

The other item of clothing that arrived yesterday was a footed sleeper with dinosaur prints:

I ordered this because the feet fell apart on my favourite sleeper. I mentioned this to Marcie of Forever a kid and she suggested I cut the feet off it and make it into a footless sleeper. She kindly sent some ribbing in with my order for the ankle cuffs. I managed to sew them on quite well:

I was a touch perturbed by the high acidity in that margarita.

I am off to Sweden for a few days at the end of next week. Last time I was there it was about this time of year and frighteningly cold; even my tweed jacket couldn't keep me warm. This time I have taken steps to ensure I am nice and toasty. I placed an order a few weeks ago with Forever a kid that included a great sleeper and this dinosaur-printed t-shirt:

The t-shirt is made from fleece material so it very warm indeed. I should be able to wear it as underwear and never feel the cold.

I am sure a picture of the sleeper will follow in due course.

In the picture below I am sucking my dummy, a soother for American listeners. I haven't used it for weeks and now I've stuck it in my mouth it feels very good and I don't like taking it out. I shall have to see how I sleep tonight using it. I haven't been sleeping too well over recent days, hopefully this will soothe me into a blissful slumber.

For those who have not been reading this blog since it started you may not know that the dummy of choice for huge toddlers is the Nuk Medic Pro. These fit a treat and don't make one's teeth ache as dummies for smaller toddlers can do. The best source of them is here.

I am often asked what nappies I use; I may as well answer here.

During the day I use Tena Slip Maxis. These are very comfortable and hold quite a lot. They are also relatively baby-nappy-like with not too much branding on them. The European design is different to that of the Tena Slips available in the US and some claim they are better; an American AB who came over and stayed with me took a case of them back with him. They can be ordered direct from the manufacturer, whose UK website is here.

At night I use Abena Abri-Form X-Pluses. These are great for night-time use but the shape does not really lend itself to wearing during the day; we toddlers are an active bunch and run around a lot. Again these are quite babyish with not too much branding on them. You can buy Abenas from here.

I do have some cloth nappies, but because I am too toddlerish to handle the washing-machine with great skill I only use them when I fancy a lie-in. Cloth nappies are good, the bulk feels nice, but they do make me toddle around rather than my normal confident two year old's walk.

Here I am with Butter and Fluffy Bat modelling a Tena Slip Maxi that is just a bit too big for me. Perhaps I am a small toddler after all.

I am feeling on top of the world today, just the mood to play with some toys:

I am playing with Quatro, the Lego for toddlers. It is large, slightly soft and non-toxic so me chewing on that brick doesn't matter too much.

It is all very well buying adult baby clothes from an online retailer, but those crazy Italians have a chain of shops that sell nursery-printed, adult-sized clothes. Their website is here. Sadly they don't have an online shop, their stuff is rather good. Here I am sleeping peacefully in the sleeper I got from them:

I look rather florid in that picture. If anyone is looking to get a christmas present for me I'd like an 'accappatoio' from them.

As I have explained I do have a bit of a thing for custard, so I have revisited the custard cocktail. The recipe requires:
1 shot Galliano
1 shot Advocaat
The rest of the 300ml baby bottle (this is my favourite type) topped up with vanilla favoured milk.
Shake well, drink whilst occasionally gurgling with happiness.

Whilst performing mixing experiments I decided to try on two items of clothing that might help me bond with one of my grown-up friends. He is a lovely Austrian chap who strangely wears little oval glasses and has shaved off what little remains of his hair. Hmmm.... Anyway, he also has a bit of a thing for the brand of clothing that has little polo ponies on them. Clearly, toddlers are not up to playing polo, or riding all but the smallest of ponies, so even if I did not hate that brand it would be dis-ingenuous of me to wear their attire. So, we have the onesie for toddlers who wish to be like their big, grown-up and incredibly well-paid short Austrian friends:

I recognise there is sometimes a need for long-sleeved t-shirts on particularly sunny days whilst staggering around wine regions, so there is also the lapel-label version:

I hope he realises that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Apricots.

Should a reader from the USA ever encounter this endless torrent of drivel they probably will not understand that joke. Allow me to explain by saying that a 'cot' is what an American will call a 'crib'. I always thought a crib is what a rap-artist called his/her (rarely her, let us be honest) abode.

The point is, after many years I have a cot once again:

If you need an excuse to fill a few minutes of your day using you employer's internet connection then please feel free to inspect a few more pictures located here.

Many thanks to Woodman Dave for his chippie skills. that he makes available for very reasonable prices.

A slightly less intense and considerably less verbose entry on this also summer-like afternoon. I have mentioned suppliers for Nuk Medic Pros, the dummies for huge babies, in the past. A friend tells me that there is another supplier who do not charge VAT for those who order from outside the boundaries of Europe. Additionally, they sell the large-sized Nuk bottle-teats, but I have found them to be a bit of a waste of time and money. Finally, they have their website in almost-English, thanks to the power of machine translation. You can find it here. A large-sized Nuk Medic Pro is a good way of soothing recalcitrant toddlers who are too busy waving their arms about with awkwardness to suck their thumbs. Well, it can work with me....

Of the limited selection of clothes for babies and toddlers of enhanced stature that are easily available it seems that very few of them are suitable for rolling about outside on wintry days. This is a pity when one lives in as cold a place as England.

I admit that many outdoor-activity styled clothes for boring adults can now be purchased in a variety of bright colours and this is a good start. Yet, bright colours are not teddy bears/little ducks/other nursery prints. My Butter-themed sweater is a good item of wintry clothing, but more is required. So, it goes without saying that the item of clothing delivered yesterday is just perfect for wearing in the summer...

Today is a nice and bright day, but to describe it as summery would be be displaying more than a hint of mendacity. The alphanumeric characters on the romper signify, I hope, that even though I am a toddler I am also a man of letters.

One of the questions I am frequently asked is, "Tell me, young man, do you wear nappies all of the time?" I admit, it is rarely asked that coherently. The usual formulation is of the pattern: "You/u wear/ware/where/were 27/7?" but sometimes it can reach the depths of a simple: "24/7?". I am a toddler with little grasp of novel language use, sometimes I find such things vexatious. To answer the question, no I do not wear nappies all of the time, sometimes when I want to feel like an even bigger toddler I wear training pants.

More broadly, it is a mistake to wear nappies for too long each day; there is much danger of developing a nasty rash. When I was working twenty-four hour days as an academic I would rarely get a chance for some 'air-time' and so developed rash that was so bad my nasties were bleeding. I imagine few twenty-one year olds go to the doctor to seek treatment for appallingly bad nappy rash; it was piquant experience to say the least.

The key is to have a couple of breaks from wearing nappies during the day. After a bath or shower is a good time, as is between changes just before bed. They do not have to be for too long (just in case) but a break and a clean up can prevent sharp, stabbing soreness and an unnecessary trip to the doctor.

I have to admit I rarely feel up the the very big toddler-rôle; I get all shy and embarrassed about people expecting me to be witty, urbane and slightly less childish than I usually am. Consequently, wearing the training pants can lead to hiding....

Yet, as luck would have it, due to the current weakness of the dollar keeping myself in childish clothes is hilariously cheaper than keeping me in my alternate attire idiom of baroque suits and shirts.

Foreverakid, my current favourite clothing supplier, is not only run by one of the most charming and most skillful seamstresses one can have the pleasure of doing business with, but also the clothes (at least for those of us in the UK) are a steal. For example, if I buy a pair of boring cords from Marks and Spencer I'll pay £32, I'll have to pay quite a lot more if I want some decent cords that fit reasonably well. Yet the trousers in the picture below cost £23. Not only are they made to measure, from a material of my choice but I look just as spiffy in them as in my most lurid red cords. Since they are made from flannel they are warm enough to wear when strolling about town on all but terribly cold days.

Similarly, Fak sell their most babyish shortalls for £28 and those most wonderful of items for sleeping, mooching about the house and watching boats going by on the river in (see below), footed sleepers, for £40. A decent set of pyjamas in the UK can cost an arm and a leg, they are invariably dull as dish-water and never have feet. I am currently trying a new source of footed sleepers that cost £30 each, and they are available in childish prints, but I shall report on that supplier once I have assessed the quality.

I recognise that these bargain prices are largely because of the relative weakness of the US dollar at the moment and also because clothes in the UK are very expensive, but we big and clever toddlers are perfectly capable of spotting bargains and snapping them up whilst they are available.

Clearly, there are some companies who are willing to rip people off in the most shameful way; DPF and HB Enterprises leap to mind, but this is not universally true. Shop around, ask for recommendations and you can do very well.

There is a limit to the number of baths one can usefully have in a day and my email is hardly going to read itself...

From today's postbag I learn the reason why babies are so confused these days. Much as I like the prints on them, it is a good job I no longer fit into Pampers. We are told that if one were taped around me, due to the evil influence of their morally-corrupt manufacturer, I would instantly develop an uncontrollable urge to do the chocolate cha-cha with such frightening frequency I'd never have the time to wear another nappy. Yes, I admit it is quite childish to mock the hard of thinking, but it is a lot of fun.

I am also asked if I know where one can obtain pushchairs (aka strollers) for babies of enhanced magnitude. Clearly, my co-respondent is unaware that I am a big, competent toddler and so have no need of pushchairs. Indeed, the only problem I have with self-locomotion is if some clumsy swine steps on my hand when I am leaving a bar. Still, I have the mystic power of using Google and as it is around three I have nothing better to do. Adult pushchairs can be obtained in the UK and the US. Given the quite staggering cost of these, if anyone out there purchases one I am sure you can afford to lend me an Ayrton or at least buy me a Britney.

As I sit here after lunch, still in the cloth nappy from last night, it strikes me how practical a good pair of plastic pants can be.

Clearly, a lot babies and toddlers are charmed/soothed/entertained by their own Platonic ideal of the protective pant. Some like rubber pants, some vinyl, some like nursery prints. Yet, since babies and toddlers have to wear nappies pretty much all of the time (not, ideally, when in the bath) having some practical, functional pants is a good idea, even if aesthetic criteria have to take a second place.

Even if you generally view yourself as a disposable kid, plastic pants are still useful. I have yet to come across a disposable that does not weep slightly, and modern disposables are so good at holding fluid away from the skin it can be hard to tell when we need a change and may end up leaking without noticing it. This can result in getting grumpy, petulant and having to do more washing, so is best avoided.

The primary key to doing well with one's plastic pants is sizing. Most purveyors of plastic pants give a range sizes that each of their stock sizes will fit. You should choose a size that you are right in the middle of the size bracket. Whilst some people like really tight or really large plastic pants these will either cut the circulation off to your legs (more petulance) or leak like crazy (even more petulance and washing). The pants have to be reasonably voluminous, as when one is restless in bed, runs about at playgroup/the gallery or thrashes about on the floor giggling and squealing whilst being tickled it is possible for nappies to slip under less well-sized pants. For daytime use as long as the fit is fine, you can get by with pretty much any design. Nursery prints are often nice, but if one is just hanging around with friends at home then it doesn't matter if you have clear pants and your nappy is on display. After all, they know you are a baby/toddler.

In my experience, plastic pants are pretty much mandatory for night-time use and, of course, when one is wearing a cloth nappy. Since no disposable manufacturer is yet to cater for those of us who sleep on our sides plastic pants are a much better solution to washing the bed sheet incredibly frequently. These events demand the most effective plastic pants, which are the ones that have enclosed elastic. These have a much better seal and leak far less then even well-fitting pants with normal elastics. My favourite supplier can be found here. They are reliable, affordable and have a good range of stuff. These are the enclosed-elastic plastic pants; as you can see they are made from the 'softwear' material which is perfectly comfortable. If I had planned things a bit better, I'd have ordered a few more pairs before my trip to the US. Ah well. LLMedico also sell rather nice nursery-printed cloth-covered plastic pants that are useful for hot days when one wants to look a bit smarter. Not so smart that I have to iron my Teletubbies t-shirt though, oh no, far too much like hard work....

They are particularly bad if one has no shoes. Since toddlers are known for running about, dragging their feet along the floor and generally leaping around in a full of beans style, it is no surprise that all of the soles on my shoes are full of holes. All of my shoes were delivered to the cobbler this morning, and so I am pretty much stuck in the house all day. There is nothing for it but to play!

As you can see, Quatro really is quite a lot of fun. You may also note my Butter-themed sweatshirt, which came to me via the power of money combined with the skills of clothes printing companies. It is good to have a nice and warm, hooded sweat-shirt that was very cheap, has Butter's face on the front and some teddy-bear prints on the back.

All of this was very easy to obtain. I used this company, uploaded my images and four days later I had the sweater. I am sure there are companies in other countries that do a similarly good job. There are limits to the complexity of the images one can print, but the result is very high-quality, washer/drier proof and cheers up even recalcitrant toddlers on rainy days.

My Butter-themed debit card has arrived! Oh joy of joys. I must go shopping. Wine merchant first, then I think I'll go and look for a new baby bottle.

My absence from blog writing over the past couple of days has been somewhat enforced. However, it has allowed me to find something new and purchase it.

Beyond my soft toys, in recently decades I have only really purchased adult toys for myself. Computer equipment and fine wine are generally my favourite toys, I suppose. My new discovery immediately charmed me, and a trip to Hamleys was certainly in order.

Lego is a lot of fun, but the bricks are rather small for fingers with poor manual dexterity and if one steps upon a carelessly discarded brick there can be whimpering. I was aware of Duplo, with larger bricks for smaller hands, but this weekend's incarceration introduced me to Quatro. This has bricks double the size of Duplo made from softer plastic and pitched at the one-to-three year-old market. And pitched at me, obviously.

There is now a large vat of them gracing my drawing-room floor and many peculiar yet brightly-coloured structures have been built. Like so many things, it is quite immature but a lot of fun.

Normally viewing my bank account online is a deeply worrying experience yet today I noticed my bank's latest money-spinning idea; I was suckered in immediately.

For the small sum of a Lady my Visa debit card will now soothe my tortured mind when I whip it out to indulge in a bit of retail therapy. They do have some rules about what one can and cannot have upon one's card, but I think no one could possibly complain about this:

PS. A few people seem to mistakenly think this is a joke of some description. Let me assure you that within ten days I will have a debit card graced with a pleasing picture of Butter.

I have sucked my thumb for more-or-less my entire life and, quite clearly, I am very happy with that. About a decade ago it struck me that it might be more convenient if I used a dummy, as typing one-handed is less efficient as well as sounding slightly suggestive.

I soon realised that convenience was not the idea behind sucking my thumb. Being a right-handed chap, the result of sticking my right thumb in my mouth is that two of my most powerful methods of influencing the world around me are removed; my adult competence was hampered. This has a pleasingly childish feel.

Sadly, rich fantasy lives cannot be indulged totally. Several years ago my career became more related to sitting at home in front of the computer. It would be all too easy to sit here all day with my thumb in my mouth and no creativity flowing from my finger-tips. So I've got a dummy....

The trick is not to get one provided by a fetish-items supplier, these are just not designed for normal use. Nuk, that well-know supplier of goods for smaller babies makes a couple of dummies suitable for adults. These are known as "Nuk Medic Pro". It is possible to get them on Ebay, but the cheapest thing is to order them from the country of manufacture, from a site such as this. Strangely, when I have pointed people to this site they say, "I don't speak German", and give up. Odd, I find, as we have such things as babelfish these days and a dummy can soothe even quite awkward babies and so is worth experiencing a tiny bit of confusion and expending the merest hint of energy to obtain.

It may take one a week or so to get used to a dummy, but they work a treat. When one wakes in the middle of night after a scary dream, knowing you've got a dummy in your mouth, a teddy bear in your arms and you are protected in case of accidents, the bad dreams seem less worrying.

Butter was a christmas present, although I chose him myself he is one of the best presents I have been given for many a year. Undoubtedly well-chosen bottles of fine wine are brilliant things to be given, but to have someone buy one a very pleasing teddy bear at the age of thirty-one is really quite touching.

As you can see, I do like Butter.